I am a person who believes in improving and bettering ourselves. What I was not aware of is, my advocacy for self development was used to mask my own negative self image and the fact that I did not like where I was in life, and in fact, was not satisfied with anything I achieved. Yes, i want to be where i am not yet, and I knew I have to keep working to earn that. Did I hate myself? The answer is no, but it can indirectly be a yes if we keep digging for reasons behind this.
My hidden low self-image
In a day, I would manage to be productive, but it would later feel as though all of that is worth nothing. I wanted my productivity to be much more tangible and seen, and I wanted everything that seemed to be anywhere but where I am. I could not acknowledge the adequacy that I was, nor appreciate the bits and parts I had, how much I have improved or the little achievements whatsoever. No matter what I did, there still remained a huge wave of dissatisfaction in me. I pushed hard, read more, planned more, did more, gave myself more yet all of this felt almost useless.
my little achievements during this period
For the first time in my life I am building a healthy relationship with an individual who reciprocates and being with him has been a positive contribution to mylife, and in more ways than I could have ever assumed was possible. On an emotional level it has been liberating, healing and beautiful as much as it has been challenging, and none of us has yet ran away from each other or our relationship. We are still here experiencing each others’ presence at the end of the day, amidst the beautiful harmony with its highs and lows. I am still doing my degree hoping to do my best, I am back to writing. I never stopped although there was a hiatus that was caused by dissatisfaction with my own work, so I am writing and I am in love with myself for this. I have started a farming project and as I can not go further into detail, this is the best I have been and the best i have been able to do in my life, and it should be acknowledged, and celebrated by me.
I can safely say not all positivity stems from positivity. Not everything coated with glimmer is gold. I still say, yes to self-improvement yet we are enough. Overworking yourself but belittling what results from you and your time and effort is toxic.